The Family Meeting: Starting the Week Off Strong
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**UPDATE** We have finally found a method that works super well for both of us!
What we do:
On Sunday morning we let our kiddos watch morning cartoons (they don’t get cartoons usually the rest of the week) while we have our meeting.
Why this works so well:
Our kids look forward to watching the cartoons so much, that even the few times we have forgotten about our meeting, our kids remind us immediately! It’s peaceful, and everyone is happy.
Don’t give up. Keep searching for a way that works for you!
“Do you want tea or wine, sweetie?”
“Tea tonight. And chocolate…all the chocolate.”
It had been a long ass day, and the only thing I wanted to do was sit in front of the TV and shut my brain off (if I’m being completely honest with you…).
But alas, it’s Sunday night…
We grab our hot steaming mug of sleepy time tea (and my newest chocolatey obsession…90% dark chocolate…not for the faint of heart), and head to the couch with our planners.
The big kids are in bed and the house is picked up, so we finally have a moment together to talk in the rare moment the baby is sleeping in a rocker. But before snuggling in on the couch to talk…we need to have our weekly meeting.
And yes, we do this every week. To no avail. All in part due to the diligence of Nick…because if I’m being honest, I would probably never remember to do it.
Or if I’m being really, really honest… I practically fight him every time. But we continue to make it happen each and every week.
The man has the patience of a saint :-p
We head over to the couch with our planners in one hand and our phones in the other.
Calendar
The first part of the meeting we go over our calendar and upcoming appointments that the other person should know about. Anything from hair appointments and the logistics of who will be watching the kids, to date nights, and what nights Nick needs to work late.
As Nick is telling me (and vice versa) important dates from his calendar, I am writing them down in mine so that I know what the hell is going on throughout the week. This also cuts down on me getting pissed at him for having to come home an hour later than I thought…I can’t get mad if I have it in my planner! :-p
Plus, I probably need all week to mentally prepare for him coming home late. Any of you with kiddos can relate to this… every single minute counts.
“…Don’t get the mail…just come straight into the house…I’ll get the damn mail…”
Honey-Do
The next part of our meeting we basically exchange “honey-do” lists.
Throughout the week, if we come up with something that we want to talk about with the other person, or have something that we want to give to the other person to get done, this is when we talk about it.
We have tried to randomly talk about these things throughout the week (and still I try, every single day)…but it always gets cut off or feels stressful.
It seems to be so much more effective and calmer when we add it to our planners to talk about in our meeting.
Examples are:
- projects and the steps we need to take to get it done
- delegating tasks
- purchasing of big items
- date nights and finding a sitter
- etc…
Sometimes projects or conversations that we bring up are just too big to talk about in one meeting. Meetings can easily turn into an hour or more if you aren’t careful (which makes it much harder to commit to in the future).
So make sure to schedule a specific time in your calendar to sit and talk about this.
Budget
I need to start off by saying that we don’t actually do our full budget meeting on Sunday nights.
HOWEVER, we do touch on goals we have, milestones we have reached, or tasks that need to be completed in regards to our budget on Sunday night’s.
We have our big weekly budget meeting on Tuesdays typically that can last anywhere from 15 minutes to multiple hours (good lawd, help me… I’m the free spirit).
How Can I Support You This Week?
This is the category that we are the least consistent in…but when we actually do this, it is so sweet.
The simple question, “how can I support you this week”, builds each other up (and our marriage), while helping to create the life we dream of.
This is a great time to talk about areas of life that you need encouragement, or to brainstorm systems or habits to add to your life to help reach the goals you’ve created for yourself.
Maybe it’s something as simple as, “I really would love if you could encourage me to exercise three times this week… and I’ll try not to get mad at you for telling me to exercise…”
Anyone else ever get mad at your spouse for doing the exact thing you asked him/her to do? My poor husband.
He’s a good sport :-p
Something that we came up with recently was talking about books that we wanted each other to read because those particular books were rocking our world. Sometimes relaying the message of the book just does not do it justice and you just need to have that person read it themselves. So we are currently each listening (on audible) to a book that the other person recommended.
(The books are Peaceful Parents: Happy Kids and Folks This Ain’t Normal…just incase you were curious).
Make It a Habit
As I shamefully admitted to you at the beginning of the post, I fight Nick almost every single week about our meeting.
Due to writing this article, Nick and I started brainstorming how we can change my resistance to the meeting, because we recognize how incredibly important it is to do consistently.
James Clear of Atomic Habits says:
“If you’re having trouble changing your habits, the problem isn’t you. The problem is your system.”
Oh! You’re saying that it’s not a character flaw that I have dropped way too many goals to count? Apparently not! It’s my systems…definitely the systems. Thank you James Clear!
To create a new habit, Clear states that to build a new habit there are four steps: cue, craving, response and reward. “This four-step pattern is the backbone of every habit, and your brain runs through these steps in the same order each time.”
Cue: The cue triggers the brain to begin the behavior. This is where anticipation of the reward begins. “Your mind is continuously analyzing your internal and external environment for hints of where rewards are located. Because the cue is the first indication that we’re close to a reward, it naturally leads to a craving.”
Craving: this is the motivation behind the habit…the why. Without a strong enough why, or craving for change, there is no point behind the action. This cannot be sustainable. You may be able to slog through a new behavior for a handful of days or even weeks…but eventually it’ll die off unless you have the motivation for change.
Response: This is the actual behavior or habit you are taking action on. Clear says “Whether a response occurs depends on how motivated you are and how much friction is associated with the behavior”.
Make the behavior as easy as humanly possible, with as little friction as possible. (For instance, on a personal note, maybe I fight Nick each and every week about having our meetings because we have them on a Sunday night at 8pm. We’re too damn tired!)
Reward: “Rewards are the end goal of every habit. The cue is about noticing the reward. The craving is about wanting the reward. The response is about obtaining the reward.”
If a behavior is insufficient in any of the four stages, it will not become a habit. Eliminate the cue and your habit will never start. Reduce the craving and you won’t experience enough motivation to act. Make the behavior difficult and you won’t be able to do it. And if the reward fails to satisfy your desire, then you’ll have no reason to do it again in the future.
James Clear, Atomic Habits
Most importantly…DON’T GIVE UP! If you miss a week, just get back on it next week (as with any goal that is important to you).
That’s it! Simple and sweet, but this simple 10-20 minute weekly meeting consistently pulls us toward our shared goals of living our best life.
Do you have a weekly family meeting? What sorts of things do you talk about at YOUR meeting?
